By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
The impact of “not knowing”: confusion and anxiety
Not knowing why a family member isn’t responding to you when you first reach out to them or doesn’t want contact is likely to cause significant distress, anxiety and confusion. Your mind might attempt to fill in the gaps, and our thoughts can often lead us back to negative core beliefs of being unlovable or unworthy and fears of abandonment. You may notice increased anxiety leading to experiences such as stomach upset, chest tightness, poor sleep, difficulty concentrating and a fear of what the future may bring.
Grief and loss
When a family member tells you they don’t want contact, feelings of grief and loss are likely to emerge. The strength of these feelings may take you by surprise and even feel quite overwhelming. Grief can result in physical issues like nightmares, poor concentration, illness, and poor appetite, along with intense emotions such as anger, numbness, sadness and blame. It is important for you to understand and acknowledge that your feelings are valid and real.
People around you may struggle to understand or recognise your loss, leading to feelings of what is called disenfranchised grief – a loss that is not recognised by the broader society we live in, or is connected to stigma and shame, and thus can be a lot harder to process and move through.
When you are grappling with a family member not wanting contact, this can also represent a kind of ambiguous loss – the loss of someone who is still alive but physically inaccessible or lost to us but who is still present in our heart and mind. This type of loss can cause us to become stuck in our grief and unable to feel there will ever be a resolution to feelings of pain and rejection.
Dealing with complicated grief and loss takes time. Go gently and engage in deep self-compassion and care. Being with others who can understand can make a big difference. This might start with reading or listening to different material (see below) before you feel ready to reach out to a support group or other spaces. It is important to get the right kind of support from professionals that understand and people that you trust.
Holding hope
Whilst you may have been preparing for connecting to a family member for many months or years, for that person, contact from you comes ‘out of the blue’. They may not have known about you, or, having little or no ability to reach out to you, they may have buried the expectation of ever having contact. Other people in their lives may not know about your existence. If the person is your parent, they may be deeply impacted by shame, grief and trauma.
No matter the circumstances, contact will bring up intense and difficult emotions and memories that will take time and support to process. Personal circumstances and life stages can create further barriers. Often, time is needed for that person to process or perhaps tell other people in their lives.
For some of us, contacting again later down the path can later lead to more meaningful contact when the time is right, or you might decide to reach out to other family members, perhaps siblings or a different side of the family. You may choose to turn your energy to other relationships in your life. The journey to connection after adoption and family separation is a long and personal one, and hope is difficult to maintain, but we often hear of stories of connection that occur after initial contact or meaningful relationships developing with other family members.
Helpful Links
VANISH: Support Groups and Counselling referrals
PARC fact sheets: Possible contact with a relative; Disenfranchised grief
Adoptees On Podcast: When Reunions Fail – how to cope
The Imperfects Podcast: Layne Beachley on adoption
Belonging Network: Ambiguous loss in adoption
Article by Kate Murphy: Adoption Loss and Grief
VANISH: Personal stories of people impacted by adoption and family separation
Centre for Clinical Interventions: Self compassion self-help resources