By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
Fathers erased
Fathers separated from children by adoption are often decentred or even completely erased. The focus of adoption narratives tends to be on the mother/child relationship and excludes the father. Just one example of this is the forced adoption redress scheme in Victoria, which only provides compensation to impacted mothers, not fathers, even though neither parent consented to forced adoptions.
Lack of control
Historically, at the time of finding out about pregnancy, fathers and mothers were often young, fearful, and confused. Their own parents or other community leaders often exerted a lot of pressure or took over decision making control, resulting in not only the mother but also the father of the child having very little say over keeping their child.
Erasure on birth certificates
In the era of closed adoptions in Australia, fathers were almost never named on original birth certificates. It has been found that one likely reason for this was that if the father was never named, they wouldn’t have legal rights over their children and therefore couldn’t stop the child from being adopted.
Having no father recorded on original birth certificates has reinforced the stereotype that fathers “abandoned their responsibility.” This in turn has made it much more difficult for adoptees to search for their fathers, due both to a lack of information as well as the belief that their fathers didn’t ever want to be found.
Unrecognised grief and loss
The lack of recognition or legitimacy of a father’s loss can be a significant barrier for accessing support or beginning to process and grieve their loss. Research in Australia shows that whilst fathers’ mental health is likely to be poorer after being separated from their child through adoption, they are also unlikely to access formal support.
Further complicating this picture is that societal norms can result in men in general feeling less comfortable processing or talking about their feelings. Unprocessed grief and loss can also impact a father’s future relationships, especially in their role as a father with any future children they go on to have.
Like everyone impacted by adoption, a father’s loss of their child is experienced as an ambiguous loss – the loss of someone who is still alive but physically inaccessible or lost to us. Ambiguous loss often goes unrecognised by the people around us and can be much more difficult to process.
Relationships between adoptees and natural fathers
Fathers, internalising the message that they are to blame or are not a legitimate parent, may struggle to believe they have the right to try and find their child or have a relationship with them. Other fathers may not have ever been told about their child’s existence.
Despite this, there are many fathers and adoptees that do set out to find each other, and often people are able to have affirming and even life-changing experiences of connection. Like all adoption reunion relationships, reunion can be a complex time, and leaning on formal and informal supports is vital.
Resources
VANISH: Support Groups and Counselling referrals
Australian Institute of Family Studies: Past Adoption Experiences Research: Fathers Separated from Children By Adoption (pp 77 – 86)
Adoptees On Podcast: Fathers Episode
Adoptees On Podcast: Ridghaus – Am I Adopted? Episode
Belonging Network: Birth Fathers: In the Shadows of Adoption
David Quint Documentary Film: Fathers Unknown
Research Project: Birth Fathers’ Perspectives on Reunions with Their Relinquished Children