Understanding adoption through an attachment lens: Common impacts and experiences

By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee

What is attachment? 

Attachment refers to the patterns of bonding that develop between an infant and their primary caregivers. These relational experiences are key to a baby’s survival and deeply impact comfort, security, and capacity for self-regulation.  

Attachment informs the development of internal working models – mental representations of the self, others, and relationships that guide our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in attachment-relevant situations throughout life.  

Attachment theory states that based on our early experiences, we develop one of four attachment styles categorised as secure (healthy, trusting relationships), anxious (craves intimacy, fears abandonment), avoidant (values independence, avoids closeness), or disorganised (desires connection but fears it, leading to unstable relationships). 

How adoption can impact attachment 

Adoption can impact attachment due to a number of related factors. Adoptees are more likely to be exposed to prenatal or birth complications. The primary neurophysiological attachment formed throughout pregnancy between mother and baby is severed. After this, there is a period of time spent in a hospital/orphanage/foster care, followed by another disruption upon placement into the adoptive family.  

The behaviours of a baby with multiple attachment disruptions may also in turn impact an adoptive parent’s ability to bond – for example, an adopted infant may not like to be held or isn’t able to be soothed easily. Finally, adoptive parents can also be impacted by uncertainty in their role as a parent, a lack of genetic mirroring (biological connection), and a lack of knowledge about how to meet the child’s unique attachment needs.  

Childhood 

It is important to know that many adopted children exhibit secure attachment based on positive and healing attachment experiences with their adoptive families.  

Children more significantly impacted by unstable early attachment experiences may attempt to cope in one of two broad ways – by minimising their need for closeness to their caregiver to avoid the caregiver’s rejection (avoidant attachment) or by maximising their closeness to their caregiver because of the uncertainty of the caregiver’s availability or permanence (anxious attachment). This can also be thought through the lens of the archetypical adoptee who may either act out and withdraw or be compliant and minimise their own needs.  

Adulthood  

Whilst many adoptees exhibit secure attachment, especially those that have experienced stable attachment experiences in their adoptive family, adoptees are more likely than others to experience insecure (fearful, avoidant) attachment.  

As adults, this means that adoptees may experience difficulties understanding emotions in self and others, negative self-worth, difficulty feeling secure and safe in relationships, difficulty relying on others, anxiety about closeness and intimacy, and a sense of being isolated or disconnected.  

Just like in childhood, these negative expectations of self and others can often have a perpetuating impact, influencing how we behave which in turn reinforces our negative working models. An example of this would be protecting ourselves through pushing people away, which in turn means people don’t want to be close to us, which then reinforces our belief that we are unlovable.  

Moving towards more secure attachment  

Humans have an incredible capacity for growth and healing, and this includes the capacity to develop secure attachment. Insecure attachment can be overcome through repeated positive interpersonal experiences – in other words, experiencing safe and stable interactions and relationships with others.  

Self-awareness and self-compassion are key to healing attachment trauma. This involves developing a coherent narrative of how adoption and childhood experiences may have impacted your sense of attachment, security and belonging and your ability to relate healthily with others.  

Another vital step is to understand and validate your strong emotions and experiences of dysregulation and work on self-regulation. The window of tolerance model of regulation is a simple way to start working on this. Many therapy modalities such as CBT, ACT or DBT also teach effective strategies and tools for working on self-regulation.  

Resources 

VANISH: Support and Counselling 

Psych2go: How Does Attachment Theory Affect Your Childhood Life? (YouTube)  

Nancy Verrier: Coming Home to Self: Healing the Primal Wound (Book)  

The Attachment Project: Four Attachment Styles 

Paul Sunderland: Understanding Relinquishment Trauma (YouTube)  

Adoptees On Podcast: Healing Series: Attachment  

Mind My Peelings: Understanding the Window of Tolerance and How it Affects You