By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
The decision to search
It often takes adoptees and people affected by family separation a long time to decide to search. This deeply personal decision can be affected by a number of factors, including the  person’s fear of the unknown, their life stage or concern for others.
An important part of supporting your loved one will be to affirm to them that they have the right to search for family. Often people are told their whole lives to be grateful or that it would be wrong to look back, but the reality is, the desire to know family is natural.
Move at their speed
While one person might suddenly decide to do their DNA and request records and start contacting multiple family members, another person might hesitate for a long time about reaching out to someone, even if that person just lives a suburb away.
It can be tricky to be on the sidelines as a person makes, or doesn’t make, different decisions in their search journey. Gently but consistently check in to see how they are doing without pushing your own expectations or hopes onto them.
Ask how they would like to be supportedÂ
It can be really helpful to ask how someone would like to be supported. For some people searching, being able to update you is helpful, for others, they might want help drafting emails or have someone ready to call after a meet up or perhaps even accompanying them on an initial meeting.
Intensity ups and downs Â
Often the search process can involve long periods of waiting followed by intensity that can be quite overwhelming. At these times, the person may need significant support and is likely to appreciate being able to share what is happening. This can include times of first contact or meetings with a relative, or difficult news such as a death or person not wanting contact.
Listen, listen and then listen some more
People impacted by family separation often say that it feels like other people can’t understand their experience. With that in mind, our advice is to listen, listen, listen! Be curious, ask open questions, practice active listening and reassure the person you will be there for them whatever their next steps are.
What might feel like good news to you may not be to them (don’t assume feelings)
It can be very exciting when your loved one finally has contact. However, seemingly good news doesn’t always mean good feelings.
Whilst some people can feel overwhelming joy and excitement at the point of reunion, people can also experience unexpected and intense feelings of sadness, grief, anger, or disconnection. Reunions are complex and somewhat unpredictable, and whilst people are typically glad they have gone through the process, reunion is likely to be a complex time. Â
If your loved one’s search brings up feelings for you
Sometimes a loved one searching for family can bring up some unexpected feelings for you. You might wonder about how their connecting with their family member might change your own relationship with them. Perhaps it gives you cause to reflect on your own family relationships and dynamics and how they have impacted your life. If this happens for you, you might find it helpful to get your own support from a psychologist or counsellor, or chat to a trusted friend.
Further support
We have listed some resources below to help you to better understand what your loved one is going through. Gently let your person know about VANISH (or relevant service) so that if they so choose, they can pursue more formal support when the time is right for them.
Resources
VANISH: Support Groups and Counselling referrals; Searching for Family Â
Australian Institute of Family Studies: Adoption Experiences
Psychology Today: The Search for Ancestry and Identity
Pamela Karanova: Why Do Adoptees Search
ABC News: The Gratitude I’m Expected to Feel
Unravelling Adoption Podcast: A Complicated Adoption Reunion Experience
Intercountry Adoptee Voices: Reunions and Beyond: Webinar