By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
Loss and adoption
No matter how safe and loving an adoptive family may be, being adopted involves extensive loss. This can include the denial of access to your birth family, identity, language and a sense of belonging, loss of your own story, of genetic history and of growing up with people who look and sound like you. Adoptees carry these losses around with them, often outside of conscious awareness.
Ambiguous loss
Loss in adoption can be complicated because it represents an ambiguous loss – the loss of people – and much more – that still exist but are physically or emotionally inaccessible to us. The ambiguous nature of loss in adoption makes it hard to talk about and therefore hard to resolve.
Disenfranchised grief
People around you may struggle to understand or recognise your loss, leading to feelings of what is called disenfranchised grief: grief that people experience when they incur a significant loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly mourned.
As adoptee advocate Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE once said, “Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful”. Narratives about adoption in wider society tend to focus on the idea that adoptees were lucky – lucky to be taken in by a loving family after being abandoned or unable to be cared for by their birth parents.
This mismatch between how wider society views adoption and an adoptee’s experiences of loss means that grief is not recognized or validated by society. As a result, adoptees can feel shame, stigma and a lack of support. Worry about hurting their adoptive families may be another reason adoptees push down any feelings of longing and sadness that come to the surface.
Unprocessed grief can become stuck
Grief that is unacknowledged and attached to shame or stigma can become stuck: unprocessed, this grief grows rather than lessens over time, it is confusing, has no words to it and feels like it will never be resolved. Because the grief isn’t processed, it’s legacy can be felt across the lifetime – especially in important development and life stages and at times of reunion or possible reunion.
Pathways to healing
Start with reminding yourself that your feelings are valid and require time and processing. Create space for multiple truths to exist – many adoptees have experienced both loss as part of adoption, as well as love and cherished relationships with their adoptive families.
Connecting with other adoptees can make a big difference. You can start by reading or listening to different adoptees (see resources below) before you feel ready to reach out to a support group or other spaces where you feel safe to acknowledge and explore your loss.
For many people, drawing, writing and other forms of expression can be helpful in processing grief. You might choose to engage in some kind of public or private ritual as a further acknowledgement of your loss.
Being able to put words to our experience helps us to move through it. Know that grief isn’t a linear process that is marked by the endpoint of ‘closure’. As we process and understand our grief, we will grow around it and adapt to it.
Resources
VANISH: Personal Stories
Intercountry Adoptee Voices: What I’ve missed out on in being adopted internationally
Belonging Network: Ambiguous loss in adoption
Article by Kate Murphy: Adoption Loss and Grief
My Unknown Truth Podcast: Australian Experiences of Adoption and Foster Care
Adoptees On Podcast: Healing Series – Grief
Grief Australia: Grieving when your loss is not acknowledged by others