Reaching out to a natural relative one has been separated from through adoption is a big decision. For people who are comfortable making their own outreach, VANISH can help by providing sample letters, feedback on the letter you write, and advice and support along the way.
However, managing their own outreach is not for everyone. VANISH has seen an increase in challenging searches with complex situations, including service users who have specific or special needs. Another consideration is an aging demographic and the sensitivities around reaching out to people who may be experiencing cognitive decline or are being cared for by others. There are also changing community attitudes towards privacy, and concerns about scams. Given these considerations, VANISH also now offers an Intermediary Service.
What is an Intermediary?
An intermediary is a neutral third party – such as a VANISH Search and Support Worker – who can assist in the process of reaching out to the person you are looking for. VANISH’s Intermediary service includes:
- Discretely reaching out to the person sought to determine if they are the correct person
- Assisting you and the person you are looking for to appreciate each other’s perspectives and balance your needs with the needs of the other person.
- Providing a safe space for the person sought to explore modes of contact or exchange of information
- Providing a “post office” service to exchange letters, emails or information when people are not yet ready to exchange contact details between themselves.
What are some reasons to use an Intermediary for outreach?
- If you feel too anxious or nervous about reaching out on your own. For example, you might feel that you are not able to explain coherently why you are trying to make contact.
- If you have health concerns or a disability that makes communication difficult for you.
- If you suspected that your letter might not be well received, for example, when you have reached out to them before and had no response or a negative response.
- If you feel you may not be able to cope with being told directly by the person sought that they do not want contact.
- If you feel that the assistance of a third person who is not emotionally involved will be helpful in discussing the situation.
- If you feel concerned about the person sought – perhaps due to their age, health, or life circumstances, or you are aware of sensitive matters arising from the adoption records and you would like to know that the person sought has support.
- The intermediary process may allow for more preparation for contact.
- People may have many different reactions when they receive an outreach letter. For example, the person receiving an outreach letter must navigate two sets of issues at once. The first is their own feelings, which may include shock or surprise. The second is contemplating the searcher’s expectations, needs and wishes. An intermediary can be a sounding-board for the person sought and provide them with support as they deal with any concerns regarding connection.
What are some reasons for not using an Intermediary?
- Making a direct approach can give the person reaching out a sense of control in the process, rather than the perception that others are making decisions or taking action for you.
- The person sought may not appreciate or feel comfortable with the involvement of a third party and may have preferred to have received direct communication.
- If you are not certain that you fully understand or can trust the process.
- If you fear that any rejection by the person sought could be due to some misunderstanding or missteps on the part of the intermediary person.
- Fear that the intermediary person may “take over” the process of reaching out.
- Fear that the intermediary may be biased in their actions.
- Many natural mothers had bad experiences with the adoption “bureaucracy”, and a formal contact from an organisation that may be perceived as part of that bureaucracy may cause negative feelings.
What else do I need to know about the VANISH Intermediary service?
- You will need to register with VANISH, which means providing ID, evidence of adoption, and completing some registration and authorisation forms.
- All our searches, including Intermediary, are registered with Adoption Information Services, which allows us to check the Adoption Information Register (AIR). The AIR may contain information about relatives’ contact preferences. Knowing this can mean we can be aware of any sensitivities and provide the best support to you and your relative.
- Privacy is an important consideration. We do not reveal information about you to the person sought without your consent; and we also will not reveal information about the person sought without their consent.
Contact VANISH if you would like to discuss using our Intermediary service for your outreach.