Jo shares the story of her search and reunion experience, assisted by VANISH’s intermediary service. Her journey spans more than two years of searching, navigating complex interstate adoption records, and ultimately connecting with her mother after more than 50 years apart. Like many adoptees, Jo’s story is layered with deep emotions and ongoing sensitivities. Her experience illuminates the lifelong impact of adoption, the courage it takes to begin a search, and the support needed to navigate reunion.
Growing up adopted
I grew up feeling embarrassed about being adopted. There was a stigma around it for me, and I would become awkward, uncomfortable and self-conscious when people would say I did or didn’t look like my adopted family. Either way, I did not like it – I still hate comparisons about appearance, even with my own children. It always made me sad that children would make cruel taunts to family members and say they were adopted, as a way of jokingly trying to make people feel like they don’t belong to a family. I feel it’s the nastiest comment children say to a sibling to make them feel excluded from a family – I still hear people tease others by saying this, and it hurts my heart.
I always felt sadness on my birthday and Mother’s Day and spent a good part of those days wondering if my birth mother was thinking of me. Even though I was very loved, I have always felt I was different and didn’t truly belong.
I never wanted to talk about being adopted. I don’t ever remember speaking about being adopted with my adoptive father. He was someone I loved very deeply, and I knew a conversation about my adoption would make him sad and uneasy. I only remember talking with my mum about being adopted on three occasions. There was the juxtaposition of feeling so much gratitude and love, yet I grew up believing that the ‘big feelings’ of being adopted were not allowed or encouraged to be expressed. I was told by everyone how lucky I was to be adopted, and I have heard all of the cliches about ‘being chosen’ and being ‘extra special’. As a child, I occasionally fantasised that I was the child of someone ‘famous’ or ‘important’.
Embarking on the search
My decision to search for my birth parents was not something I thought about a lot. When my adoptive father passed away about 6 years ago, I started thinking about it more. The need to meet my birth parents had never been overly strong, primarily because I mostly felt happy, content and loved, particularly by my father. I never wanted to upset my adoptive family, nor cause any stress or harm to my biological family.
In retrospect, I think the longing was always there, but I suppressed it. As an adoptee, I always wanted to do the right thing, please people and never wanted to get in trouble. Maybe this came from a place of fear of rejection. After much thought, I wanted to reach out to say thank you to my birth mother, and to hopefully help ease some of the pain that she may have been feeling over the decision to put me up for adoption over 50 years earlier.
I started the process to apply for my Adoption Information Certificate in January 2023. I live in New South Wales and was adopted in New South Wales. After 13 months of waiting I received a certificate, which allowed me to make some further requests to search for records held by the registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages. After another long wait, I received a letter from NSW Birth, Deaths and Marriages which stated that they had no records of marriage or death of my birth mother. At the same time, in March 2024, I applied for Social and Medical Information through the private agency that arranged my adoption. I discovered that my birth mother was from Victoria, and it was suggested that I contact Births, Deaths and Marriages Victoria. I talked to BDM Victoria without much luck, and they said that being interstate made things complicated. They put me in touch with VANISH and so I reached out and was offered amazing support.
The journey to reunion
I first spoke with my VANISH search and support worker at the beginning of June 2024. The process of tracing my birth mother was not easy and took a further 12 months. Throughout this time, my support worker kept me updated with any progress that she had made. My birth mother had been married and changed her name a couple of times. She had moved to various locations around Australia. When the federal election was called at the beginning of 2025, my support worker suggested to wait to see if electoral roll addresses were updated, and the person that she thought was my birth mother did update to her most recent address. Then, by the time my VANISH support worker was confident that she had traced my birth mother, it was close to Mother’s Day. With empathy and care, my support worker suggested making contact after this time, as that may have been triggering for my birth mother.
My support worker let me know in mid-May 2025 that she had sent a letter to my birth mother, and the process that was involved with that. Less than a week later, she called me to say she had just gotten off the phone with my birth mother! It was a feeling of overwhelming emotion. I had decided that the most comfortable way of initial communication for me would be through email. My birth mother was happy to communicate in this way also. I sat down and wrote an email, along the VANISH guidelines, and my birth mother replied a few hours later. We exchanged emails for about six weeks, and then we decided that I would fly to Melbourne so that we could meet.
Meeting face to face in a hotel room in the city was an incredibly important and emotional moment for us both. We spent hours talking and sharing stories and getting to know each other. We actually spent 12 hours together on the first day, sharing stories and photographs. We didn’t want to leave each other. For the second part of the day, our husbands joined us, and we all had dinner together. We spent the next day together also before I flew back to Sydney in the afternoon.
Ongoing complexities
Layers of complications surround our story. As with many adoption stories, there are secrets from both the past and the present. I have not told my adopted mother or sister that I was searching for nor found my birth mother. My adopted mother is aging and unwell, and I feel that this would not be the right thing to do to her. She would have too much time to think about this, and whilst many years ago, she did say to me, “If I was you, I would have to know,” I don’t think she would feel the same way now. That was a passing comment, and we never talked about it again. She never offered to help with reconnection, and I probably projected an indifference because I felt so uncomfortable talking about being adopted. I don’t want to burden my sister with a secret of knowing this and asking her to keep it from my mum also. So, I have told only my husband, children and a few very close friends.
My birth mother carried the secret of me from her current husband for the past 35 years, and from her three children for whole their lives – they are all in their forties. She has siblings that do not know about me. It took her a little while to build up the courage to tell her husband and children after she received my email. Whilst her husband has been incredibly supportive and encouraging, two of her children have not spoken with her for 8 weeks since she told them about me. I was told that they were upset because she had kept this secret from them. This was something that I never wanted to happen. Part of my reluctance in finding my birth mother was that it would disrupt her life, and it breaks my heart that she is continuing to suffer because of the adoption. She tells me that she is not sorry that I found her, but she was extremely close to her daughters, and I am sad that she is experiencing this pain of estrangement from her children.
An emerging relationship
My birth mother and I have continued to communicate at least once a week through text or email. Our correspondence is kind, thoughtful, warm and caring. There is also lots of humour involved. She makes me laugh and smile. We have developed a lovely connection. Those that I have told about our reunion say that my eyes sparkle and I am happy when I speak of my birth mother.
I am grateful to the work of my support worker at VANISH for the efforts to trace my mother and connect us. Everything was approached with kindness, care and respect. This is a very new story – we have only been connected for just over four months. I am hopeful for a future with my birth mother where we can remain in each other’s lives and continue to get to know each other.
If Jo’s story resonates with you, VANISH is here to support your own search and reunion journey. Whether you’re an adoptee, a parent, or a relative searching for information, VANISH offers a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your options. We recognise that every adoption experience is unique, and our services are designed to respect your pace, honour the emotions involved, and prioritise the wellbeing of everyone affected. To learn more about our search and support services, or to begin your own journey, please contact us.
*VANISH recognises that people impacted by adoption prefer to use different terms to describe their family members. The language used in this article is the writer’s own.