Understanding the impact of dominant adoption narratives

By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee

Adoption, like other poorly understood life experiences, can attract all sorts of myths and singular narratives. Just a few of these are:

Adoptees are lucky and/or have a lot to be grateful for
People who adopt are ‘saving’ children from an otherwise terrible fate
Biological connections and family are not important, it’s who raises you that matters
Adoption is a simple or natural solution to fertility issues
Adoption doesn’t impact attachment as long as it happens early enough
Adoptees aren’t any different than other biological family members/children

What story is allowed to be told

Whilst every person will have their own unique story to tell, when it comes to adoption, it can often feel like there is only space for happy, uncomplicated stories. Dominant narratives and myths typically focus on positive outcomes for everyone involved (adoptees, birth families, adoptive families). Loss and separation, intertwined with every single aspect of adoption, is minimised or erased. Acknowledging negative or harmful impacts can be completely off-limits.

For example, the myth that ‘biology doesn’t matter’ is often propagated as a way to comfort adoptees or adopting families that love can conquer all. Whilst it is true that a loving and kind adoptive family will be vital to a child’s wellbeing, erasing the importance of biology sends a powerful message to a child that caring about where they came from, their family and identity is completely taboo. This same myth is also unhelpful to adoptive families, who miss out on understanding the differences and challenges that come with raising a child from another family.

Similarly, focusing on the idea that a child adopted from a war-stricken country has been ‘saved’ and is ‘better off adopted’ (into a well-off family in a Western country) erases both the extraordinary losses experienced by that child and their birth family, as well as censuring the devastating realities of intercountry adoption, which it is now known to have often been based on illegal forced adoption practices.

The harm of misrepresentation

Dominant narratives about adoption show up in the media, on tv, and from family and friends. These inaccurate portrayals and stories leave out harmful and distressful aspects of adoption, leading to people impacted by adoption feeling misunderstood, alone, and ungrateful. This in turn can be a barrier to people seeking out help. Taken together, the impact of adoption narratives and myths can make it much harder for people impacted by adoption to process their grief and integrate their own identity and life story.

Integration and healing through reclaiming and creating narratives

Resisting and recovering from dominant narratives about adoption starts with acknowledging a simple truth—adoption cannot exist without loss. Understanding that adoption is full of paradoxes and dualities (e.g., both love AND abandonment) is a key step in resisting and rejecting simplistic narratives that don’t reflect peoples lived experiences.

Another important step is to seek out diverse stories in the adoption community which challenge these stories: resources by people with lived experience (see below) include websites, podcasts, Instagram pages, books, art, and support groups. A deep sense of recognition of self can emerge as people see themselves reflected in other people’s stories and emotional experiences.

Reclaiming the right to tell one’s own story also involves getting to make choices about language. The language used in adoption can perpetuate dominant narratives, especially in relation to what relationships get to be considered as legitimate or important. For some, prefixes such as ‘biological’ or ‘birth’ family can diminish these relationships or mark them out as belonging to the past. Dominant descriptors don’t always reflect the realities of adoption or how relationships feel. It can be empowering to try out and make your own choices that reflect your truth—for example, using the term ‘parent’ instead of ‘birth parent’, or ‘adopting parent’ rather than ‘adoptive parent’.

Finally, telling one’s own story, whatever form that may take, is an incredibly important part of feeling seen, heard, believed and real. There are so many ways to do this—through art, writing, talking, movement… and much more. It can often involve revisiting and reimagining how we tell our story, adding to or even fully rewriting it, as the influence of dominant narratives reduces and we move closer to what is authentic and truthful for us.