What is it?
The terms Genetic Attraction (GA) and Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) describe the strong feelings of attraction that can occur between genetic relatives who meet in adulthood. People often describe it as like “falling in love”. In some cases, these feelings lead to intimacy and sexual relations.
GA or GSA usually occurs as the result of an arranged reunion between an adopted, fostered, or donor-conceived person and their genetic relative, but it can also occur between two people who find out they are related after meeting. This is particularly worth knowing given how many people may be unaware that they are donor conceived or find out about their adoption later in life.
These feelings are much more commonly reported than most people expect. Estimates from practitioners in the adoption field suggest they occur in anywhere from 10 to 50% of reunion cases, though this is difficult to study and likely underreported due to shame and secrecy. Experiencing GA or GSA does not mean something is wrong with you, and it is not classified as a mental illness.
Despite its sensitive nature, GA and GSA are recognised as normal responses to an extremely unusual situation: biological relatives meeting for the first time as adults. We’ve developed this factsheet because we want to destigmatise this experience and assist people to navigate it if it occurs. If someone preparing for reunion is aware of the possibility beforehand, they have a better chance of recognising it if it occurs, and understanding what is happening can help them manage overwhelming feelings rather than act on them.
Why “GA” and “GSA”?
The term “genetic sexual attraction” was coined by Barbara Gonyo in the late 1980s to describe the sexual attraction she felt towards her son when they reunited 26 years after his adoption. The term can be misleading, though, because the attraction often does not lead to actual sexual contact. Adoption psychotherapist Joe Soll prefers “genetic attraction”, believing the word “sexual” is in many cases inaccurate and creates additional shame and fear.
There are mixed views about which term to use. Some believe it is important to keep the word “sexual” because it helps people recognise that the sexual dimension of genetic attraction is very common, and that omitting it would add to the stigma rather than reduce it. This article uses both terms.
It is also worth noting that GSA is distinct from incest, which typically involves abuse of power, coercion, or the abuse of a child. GSA occurs between two consenting adults, sometimes with no awareness of their biological connection when feelings first develop.
Why does it occur?
There are a few suggested explanations, and for many people more than one may apply.
The bonding that normally takes place between a mother and baby (through touch, smell, extended eye contact, and so on) has been disrupted and denied, which can result in a delayed urge for closeness and intimacy at the point of reunion.
We also tend to feel drawn to people who look like us. This attraction is usually switched off between family members who grow up together from a young age (known as the Westermarck effect) but can be present when relatives meet later in life.
Reunion is already an emotionally charged experience, filled with excitement and often with long-held fantasies about what the person will be like. Some people feel an instant sense of recognition when meeting biological relatives that can feel like finding a soulmate. Adults typically only experience chemistry of this intensity in a romantic or sexual context, so it is understandable that people who are unaware of GSA can feel confused and frightened by what they are feeling.
Risks involved in GA and GSA
Engaging in romantic or sexual relations with a relative can make it harder to achieve a genuine connection long-term. Research and clinical experience suggest that few such relationships survive over time, and that it can be very difficult to restore the relationship to an appropriate form once a sexual boundary has been crossed.
The feelings of attraction can become obsessive and all-consuming, which can affect a person’s sense of wellbeing and their existing partner and family relationships.
Because GSA is stigmatised and poorly understood by society, those who experience it often carry significant shame and secrecy. There are also potential legal consequences: sexual relations between biological relatives (including those separated by adoption) are illegal in Australia.
It is also important to note that there can be power imbalances between the two people involved, arising from a range of factors including age, gender, and financial means. For example, a young person may have less social authority and relationship experience than the older relative. Or alternatively, an older person could be more vulnerable due to social isolation or cognitive decline. Whatever the source of the imbalance, the person with more power in a given situation carries a greater responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries.
How to address it
The following advice comes from people who have experienced GA and GSA and from post-adoption support workers.
- Strong feelings of attraction during reunion are much more common than most people realise, and there is nothing wrong with you for having them. While the experience can be confronting and overwhelming, these feelings do ease over time. Recognising and naming them, rather than suppressing them, can help them pass more quickly.
- Before a first meeting, it can help to exchange photographs. Seeing each other through images before you meet in person can help set an appropriate emotional register. When you do meet, choosing a public place and keeping early meetings relatively short gives both people time to adjust without the intensity that can build up in private settings.
- Using explicit family language, both in your own mind and when introducing each other to others (“this is my mother”, “this is my son”), can help the relationship settle into its proper context rather than remaining undefined.
- All relationships take time to develop, and time generally helps a reunion relationship find its shape. If you or the person you are in reunion with experience this form of attraction, maintaining boundaries around how often and in what circumstances you see each other gives the relationship space to develop in a healthy direction.
- Talk to others who have been through reunion and seek support from an experienced post-adoption counsellor or support worker. Many people who have experienced GA and GSA have found that having somewhere to process what is happening, without judgment, made a significant difference.
A note for counsellors
If you are supporting someone who is considering or preparing for reunion, it is worth introducing the possibility of GA and GSA early in the counselling relationship, rather than waiting for the client to raise it. Raising it proactively normalises the topic, reduces shame, and gives the client a frame of reference if strong feelings do arise during reunion.
Learn more
Genetic Sexual Attraction by Cumbria County Council Adoption Support (2016)
Genetic Sexual Attraction by Alix Kirsta, The Guardian, 2003
Genetic Sexual Attraction in Adoption Reunion Relationships by Marie Dolfi (2020)
Earshot: Genetic Sexual Attraction, ABC Radio National, 2017
Adoptees On podcast: Episode 64: Jane, 2018
The GSA Forum: an online community for peer support and information
I’m His Mother But He’s Not My Son (eBook) by Barbara Gonyo, 2011
Further support
If you would like to talk about anything in this article or need support around Genetic Sexual Attraction, VANISH can provide referrals to skilled counsellors or other support options. Please contact us here or call (03) 9328 8611.