By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
The right to search for family
Knowing your birth family (family of origin) is part of our fundamental human right to know our identity. It is natural and normal to want to know about and try to develop a relationship with biological relatives.
However, it can be difficult for adoptees and people affected by family separation to feel like they can exercise this right. There are numerous barriers to feeling ready to try and find birth family. One of the most significant can be the worry adoptees have about how connecting with birth family could affect their relationship with their adoptive family. Adoptees often worry that their family will feel hurt or fear that they could be rejected if they were to pursue this. This fear can be so strong that some people will wait until their adoptive parents have passed before they seek out birth family.
Common responses from adoptive families
Adoptive parents may have different expectations about their adopted child searching for family of origin depending on the child’s age and where they were adopted. Some adoptive parents would have been led to believe that due to legislation or borders this would not even be possible. However, for most adoptive parents, it is something that they have been expecting ever since they chose to adopt a child.
It is not unusual for adoptive parents to feel anxious about how an adoptee’s desire to connect with birth family could impact their relationship. They might fear being replaced, question the legitimacy of their role as a parent or in more extreme cases feel betrayed.
These feelings often come from harmful narratives interwoven through adoption that perpetuates the idea that one set of parents neatly replaces the other. An example of this is how birth certificates for adoptees erase birth parents’ names and information. As a result, adoptive parents can sometimes internalise these narratives and unnecessarily fear birth family contact.
Sharing and communicating with your adoptive family
It’s important to take some time to decide what’s right for you, as every person and family is unique. Think through different options and how each might feel.
Some people let their adoptive family know from the beginning, which could be helpful with a supportive family who is able to respect and accept your choices. Other people wait until they have gathered information or had initial contact with family. This can be a good choice if you feel like you need space to experience and process your search and reunion experiences without getting caught up in other people’s feelings. For some people, it may never feel like there is enough relational safety to tell their adoptive family. Know that you have the right to make whichever choice feels right for you.
If and when you do tell your adoptive family, it can be helpful to reassure them that your desire to connect with your birth family isn’t a reflection of your relationship with them nor are you seeking to replace their role in your life. Connecting with birth family is a right and an opportunity to deepen your sense of self and connections in the world.
Consider what boundaries will be important to you and how to communicate and hold these clearly and compassionately. For example, how often will you update your adopted family? Would you like them to be involved in any initial reunions or only explore a potential meeting across two families later down the track? Would you like emotional support from them, or would you like advice too?
Support for adoptive families
Normalise with your adoptive family that birth family searches and reunions can bring up lots of mixed feelings. Encourage them to consider who they can lean on for support in their own network or whether it would be helpful to access professional support at this time. There are a lot of resources for adoptive families available online, and there is a selection of resources available below.
Be clear on your capacity to be an emotional support for adoptive family members through this time. Where possible it can be helpful to have a frank and open conversation about boundaries and limits to your capacity to be a support while you are trying to process your own experiences. While this can be a hard or even painful conversation, in the long term it can hopefully provide you and your adoptive family a solid foundation for navigating your search and possible reunion journey into the future.
Resources
VANISH: Support Groups and Counselling referrals; Searching for Family
VANISH: Supporting a partner, friend or family member who is searching for family
Adoptees On Podcast: How Do I Tell My Adoptive Parents I’m Searching
Pamela Karanova: Why Do Adoptees Search
Celia Center: Ten Things Adoptees Want Their Birth Parents to Know about Reunion
Curtin University: The experience of adoptive parents in adoption reunion relationships: A qualitative study
Newsweek: I Told Mom I Wanted to Find My Birth Mother. It Blind-Sided Her