By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
A very real loss
Finding out someone has died that you have never had a chance to meet, or have no memory of knowing, is a very real loss.
Your emotional response might feel confusing or out of perspective because you didn’t get to have a relationship with this person. Know that your feelings are very valid.
Finding out that the person we are looking for is dead, can leave us with multiple losses to grapple with: loss of access to information about our personal and family history, the loss of what could have been, and perhaps also the loss of what should have been if systems or others hadn’t made knowing this person earlier impossible.
A person unknown to us is still part of us
On some level, you have lived your entire life carrying this person around with you. Their absence has always been present, as has the part of us that imagines or hopes one day to know this person and on some level integrate them into your life. You have also been on a journey of searching for this person, which may have taken significant effort and emotional energy.
Disenfranchised grief
People around you may struggle to understand or recognise your loss, leading to feelings of what is called disenfranchised grief – a loss that is not recognised by the broader society we live in, or is connected to stigma and shame, and thus can be a lot harder to process and move through.
Processing loss and grief
Grieving is not a straightforward process or a step by step checklist. For all of us, grieving takes time. It is likely to be harder or more confusing to navigate when we haven’t had the chance to know this person. There are different models to help us understand the grieving process. One way to think about grief is that the goal is not to try to get over the loss, but rather to eventually accept and adapt to the loss and grow around it.
Opportunities to know this person in a different way
When the time is right, you may choose to try and find other ways to learn more or know the person who has died. You might work on a scrapbook where you start putting together information, photos and reflections. This might include the information you had already gathered as part of your search. You might choose to get to know more about your person’s culture or the area they are from.
Sometimes by reaching out to other people in this person’s life, you can access mementos, memories, and stories. With the support of a professional, you might also choose to write a letter to this person you never got a chance to know, saying some of the things you wished you could have said if you had met.
Self-care and support
Go gently as you process your loss. Engage in deep self-compassion and care. This starts with believing that your loss is real, and that your feelings are valid. Being with others who can understand can make a significant difference. Try and identify one or two people in your life who are empathetic and open to listening to your experience. It is important to get the right kind of support from professionals that understand and people that you trust.
Helpful Links
VANISH: Support Groups and Counselling referrals
Grief Australia: Grieving when your loss is not acknowledged by others
PARC: Disenfranchised Grief
Compass UK: The four models of grief
ABC Australia: How it Feels Growing Up Adopted
Sibling Support: Understanding grief: Lois Tonkin model (YouTube)