Navigating a relationship with family of origin siblings

By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee

Right to connection

For people impacted by adoption and family separation, it is natural to wish to find out about and connect with possible siblings. For some this might be a general curiosity whilst for others it represents a deep craving for family connection.

People impacted by family separation have the right to know about their siblings and also have the right to try and connect with them. Nevertheless, the shame, secrecy and trauma attached to adoption and other forms of separation can mean that there are very real emotional, relational, and systemic barriers that make connection challenging.

Different scenarios

There are many possible scenarios related to siblings that all come with their own unique dynamics. The most common scenario is that after a child is adopted, their birth parents go their separate ways and if they do have more children, it is with different people. Sometimes these children are told about their sibling that was adopted, but often they are not.

Occasionally, parents will stay together or reunite after their child has been adopted and go on to have more children together, meaning these other siblings will have grown up together.

In other cases, a mother (or father) might have had other children who were also adopted, fostered, or removed.

A spectrum of responses

How a sibling responds to being contacted will vary significantly depending on both the scenarios mentioned above as other relational dynamics.

Some people are thrilled to hear from a sibling and might feel very connected and at ease from the outset. Factors influencing this include whether they knew about their sibling’s existence, have other siblings or not, and their relationship with the shared parent.

Some siblings however can respond to contact with fear or mistrust. A new sibling might be experienced as a threat or unwelcome disturbance in a person’s life. This may be due to broader family dysfunction or because the parent has been fearful and discouraged contact. Financial concerns can also come up, with a damaging myth about adoptees being they are reaching out because they want something material from their family of origin.

If siblings didn’t know about the adoptee’s existence, this can bring up complicated feelings towards their parent that may be hard for the sibling to face or take time to process.

Developing long term healthy relationships

As with all family of origin reunions, taking it slowly and learning about and respecting your own and other family member’s boundaries is critical to developing a healthy and sustainable connection.

Taking it slow gives adoptees and others a chance to process their own emotional reactions that come up as a result of the reunion. For example, it’s common for adoptees to experience new layers of grief and loss as they learn about their siblings’ experiences if they grew up with a shared parent or other siblings.

It is also helpful to understand and be compassionate towards what your siblings might be experiencing. For example, learning about how the parent’s grief and shame may have impacted on their other children or broader family dynamics.

Consider that each sibling is likely to be holding different information about the parent’s life. Be mindful of what you share and how this might impact the other person. Start with building a foundation to your sibling relationship before deciding how safe it might be to explore more difficult or detailed information about the shared parent.

Connecting with other adoptees and people impacted by family separation can help to understand how different everyone’s experience is and make sense of your own and how to best approach each part of the journey.

People are often able to go on to have warm and long-lasting sibling relationships. Regardless, for all people impacted by family separation, connecting with siblings can be an important part of understanding who they are, their family and their life story.