In many families, the topic of adoption is a highly sensitive one. During the process of searching for family members, it’s common to come across personal information about the person being sought, and others within their families. In some cases, the searcher holds knowledge of matters the individual being sought may have kept private, or that may have been kept from them. For these reasons, it’s essential that searches are conducted with care and responsibility.
Responsible searching means acting with respect for both yourself and others, developing an awareness of the ethical aspects of the search, and managing the research process in a way that minimises harm and improves the chances of a successful outcome.
A note on language: in these guides, we use the terms ‘adopted person’, ‘natural mother’ and ‘natural father’, as these are the terms used in the relevant adoption legislation. We appreciate these terms don’t resonate for everyone. Our glossary has further information about the terms people might use to describe themselves.
Balancing rights
The Adoption Act 1984 (Vic) provides a right to information:
- For adopted people, in relation to their natural parents
- For natural parents, in relation to their child who was adopted
- For children of adopted people, in relation to their parent who was adopted
However, as with all rights, the right to personal information must be balanced against other people’s rights, and considered within a broader ethical context. It’s also important to note that while there’s a right to access information about your natural family, this doesn’t extend to a guaranteed right to a relationship if the other person isn’t open to, or ready for, that connection.
Privacy
Everyone has the right to keep their personal information private, including the person being sought and others connected to the search. For instance, there may be a temptation to take shortcuts by making direct enquiries to others in an attempt to locate someone. While this might seem like a way to get quick answers, it can breach the privacy of the individual being sought and may ultimately jeopardise the outcome you’re hoping for.
VANISH suggests that the privacy of both yourself and the person you’re seeking be respected at all times. It’s advisable to avoid trying to short-cut the search process, for example by knocking on doors, ringing neighbours or relatives, or leaving messages on social media where anyone can see them. Shortcuts like these can also put you in the position of having to answer questions without breaking the confidentiality of the person you’re searching for.
It’s also worth remembering that in earlier times, people were generally more private and protective of personal information. Many people today are more comfortable sharing information, particularly through social media, and it’s worth keeping that generational difference in mind.
Reputation
In the past, moral judgements were commonly made about women who had children outside of marriage, men who fathered children in those circumstances, children who were adopted, and couples who adopted due to fertility challenges. Although such views are less common in contemporary Australian society, remnants of these attitudes persist unjustly and can still shape people’s concerns about their reputation. It’s important to consider the potential impact of your actions on the person being sought and those connected to them. For example, contacting a natural parent’s family members before making direct contact with the parent themselves may risk damaging that parent’s reputation in the eyes of others.
Boundaries
It’s important to be prepared to respect the boundaries of others, for example if someone declines to share information or chooses not to act as an intermediary. Failing to respect these boundaries can cross into harassing behaviour. In this context, harassment might include posting on social media pages, sending repeated letters, making persistent phone calls, or arriving uninvited at someone’s home, particularly after they’ve clearly communicated their wishes. Behaviour like this can erode trust and significantly reduce the likelihood of a future relationship developing with the person being sought.
Informed consent
Informed consent means a person has the right to make their own decisions about a course of action, once they’ve been given accurate and relevant information to inform that decision. For example:
- If you’re asking others to act as intermediaries on your behalf, make sure they understand what might be involved
- If you’re asking potential family members to take a DNA test, make sure they’re aware of all the implications of doing so
Practical advice
- Take time to learn about the historical context around adoption, and the impact separation could have on everyone involved, natural mothers, natural fathers, the adopted person, and other family members. The VANISH website has resources, or you can contact VANISH by phone or email
- Be mindful of your own feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Rather than acting on first impulses, take time to think about your needs and those of others, and the potential consequences of your decisions. Try a “devil’s advocate” approach and consider how the people on the other side of the situation might feel and act. Are there other ways to approach it?
- Manage documents and personal information about others responsibly. This includes research notes, birth, death and marriage certificates, family trees, and so on. Don’t leave them where others might see them, including at a library or public records office
- If using Ancestry.com or similar platforms to build a family tree, check your privacy settings, use strong passwords, and set up two-factor authentication where available. If using personal accounts, such as Ancestry or Facebook, on a public computer (a library, internet café or workplace), make sure to log out when you’re finished
- Don’t post private or sensitive information on public forums where anyone can see it, including other people’s dates of birth and addresses
- When contacting a friend or family member of the person being sought, be careful not to disclose information the individual may not have shared with others
- Try to find as much information as possible from public sources first, such as electoral rolls, probate records and obituaries
- When reaching out to someone who may be a natural parent but whose identity isn’t yet confirmed, for example someone with the same name on social media, it’s best to avoid direct questions like “Did you have a child in 1960?” or statements like “I think I’m your mother.” A more discreet approach works better, focused on establishing the person’s identity through respectful, indirect means, for example:
- “I’m looking for Susan, whose parents were Greg and Jane Bennett”
- “I’m seeking a Sarah Henderson who, in 1965, lived on Smith Street in Brunswick”
- “I’m looking for Doug Jones, who was a plumber living in St Kilda in the 1970s”
Social media
Some social media sites, such as Facebook and LinkedIn, can be helpful for finding clues about someone’s whereabouts, and their social, family or work networks. Many platforms can also be used to make contact. However, for several reasons, social media should be used only as a last resort, once other ways to make contact haven’t worked.
Some points to consider when using social media to search or make contact:
- Don’t post sensitive information directly onto a person’s public feed, message boards, or similar. If you’re ready to make contact, do so privately, for example through Facebook Messenger or a direct message.
- As with any outreach to a natural relative, your approach may land at a time that isn’t right for the other person. If there’s no response, it might just be that they need time. Contact through social media can sometimes leave someone feeling their privacy has been invaded, which can get a relationship off to an uneasy start. Discovering that a stranger has been looking at their personal details online may lead to feelings of discomfort, or even of being watched, which can be distressing.
- Keep in mind that if someone’s social media pages are visible to you, yours may also be visible to them, unless strong privacy settings are in place. When privacy settings differ, one person may end up able to see a lot more than the other, which can affect how they feel about the situation.
- Viewing the social media pages of the person you’re searching for can give you a sense of getting to know them, but it isn’t always a positive experience. There may be content that reflects family conflict or difficult periods in their life. It’s worth also considering what’s visible on your own social media, and how it might be perceived by the other person.
- It’s not advisable to contact a friend or family member of the person being sought through social media. For example, if you’re looking for a natural mother and you contact one of her children or a friend, this could be experienced as a privacy violation. She may not have told anyone about the birth or adoption, and this can put her in a very difficult position, and puts whoever you’ve contacted in an uncomfortable position too.
- Be mindful if documenting your search on social media, such as on a blog, TikTok or Facebook post. What you post is there indefinitely, and the person you’re searching for, or their family, might see it in future. Consider how it might land for them, and avoid judgemental or hurtful language.
This resource has been developed by VANISH with the support of the Victorian Government Department of Justice and Community Safety, as a guide for people undertaking their own search for family separated by adoption.
By registering with VANISH as you commence your search, VANISH search and support staff can assist you with practical suggestions and reading material. We can also connect you to professional and peer support options during and after the search process.
To contact us, click here or phone 1300 VANISH (826 474).