Right now, across Australia many people are searching for a lost family member. In some cases, the cause of the separation is adoption, but this is not always the case. For example, a person may have grown up in a single parent household and now wishes to search for a parent who has been absent for some or all of their life. As VANISH is funded by the Victorian Government to support people impacted by adoption, some searches will fall outside the scope of our work. For this reason, we have put together some advice to help those who are not eligible for assistance from VANISH.
Considering a Search
Take some time to carefully think about what you hope to gain from contact with your family member. Are you seeking answers to specific questions, photos, medical information, or family history? Are you hoping for a one-off meeting? Or do you want an ongoing relationship with this person, and what would that look like in terms of frequency and method of contact?
In some cases, the family member may not know about you, or they may have been told very little or incorrect information about you. For example, they may have been told that you did not want any form of contact with them. If contact is established, how will you explain to them who you are, how you are related, and how you found their contact details?
At this stage, it can be helpful to have a think about what information you feel comfortable sharing with your family member. What contact details do you feel ok to provide – home address, phone number, or email address? Is there anyone you should check with before giving out this information, e.g. members of your household?
Sometimes people can be caught off guard by an unexpected call from a family member they have reached out to. In the moment, some people may become excited, anxious or flustered and even forget what they wanted to ask or tell the other person. It can be a good idea to keep a list handy on your phone or on a piece of paper in the event of an unexpected phone call from a family member.
Undertaking a Search
Gather together all the information you have about your family member. Be mindful to note down the source of the information. Typical sources may include birth, death or marriage certificates, letters, or verbal information.
You may also choose to approach another family member to ask what they know or remember about the person you are looking for. Depending on the circumstances, this can be a sensitive topic and should be approached with respect and patience. Sometimes, with time and trust, people will feel more comfortable to share more information with you.
There are multiple ways to search for someone. This may include searching through historical and current electoral rolls, obituaries, cemeteries, births, deaths and marriage records, wills and probates, the internet and social media.
VANISH has published a number of Mini-Guides for people wanting to undertake their own search. Whilst these guides were primarily designed for people impacted by adoption, the search tools discussed may be of assistance to people looking for a family member in other circumstances. We recommend reading Mini-Guide: Understanding the Search Process which can be accessed here: https://vanish.org.au/mini-guide-five-understanding-the-search-process/
DNA Testing
Many people are choosing to take a DNA test to establish family links, particularly where a person’s identity or current name is unknown. A number of commercial genealogical companies now offer DNA testing, including Ancestry, My Heritage and Family Tree DNA. When deciding whether to take a DNA test you might want to consider the costs involved, the privacy of your information, any risks involved and the possibility of unexpected outcomes. Each testing company has terms and conditions which should be carefully read. Unfortunately, VANISH cannot recommended a particular company.
It may be that your family member, or one of their biological relatives, has also taken a DNA test and you could potentially be matched with them. Please keep in mind that your family member does not necessarily need to be living or have taken a DNA test in order for you to have DNA matches in that company’s database. In certain situations, especially paternity, some people will choose to go a step further and have a medico-legal DNA test to confirm the relationship.
Reaching Out
Where possible, try to make direct contact with your family member. Try to avoid contacting their relatives or workplace. This shows that you respect their privacy and gives them the opportunity to respond in a considered way.
VANISH strongly advises against turning up on someone’s doorstep. We understand that this can be a very tempting prospect if you have a current address for them. However, there is no way of knowing what is going on for the person at that time or who may answer the door. Choosing this path could jeopardise any future relationship.
If you have located a possible address for your family member, VANISH recommends sending a brief handwritten letter of a general nature. This letter should be warm and invite the person to make contact with you. Typed letters may be interpreted as scams and can easily be discarded. There are various options for posting your letter, including standard mail, registered mail, or person to person mail. Australia Post has more information on mail options and fees: https://auspost.com.au/sending/letters-australia
It is important to prepare yourself for your family member’s response. Your contact may come as a great shock to them and often there is no way of knowing what is going on in their personal life. If you do not receive a response, we suggest waiting a minimum of six weeks before sending a second letter. Additional time may be required around holidays or Christmas. While you may have been thinking about the possibility of a reunion for some time, your contact may appear “out of the blue” to them. If you have the opportunity, it might be helpful if you can explain to them what has prompted you to look for them now. It is important to be patient and give the person time to also consider their response and how they wish to proceed.
Rejection is a Reality
The reality is that not everyone will want to reconnect with a family member. Everyone has the right to make this choice and this must be respected. The key is to be prepared and have an open mind as you go into this. Have you thought about how you will feel if you do not receive a response at all or if your family member declines contact?
For the searcher, it is common for feelings of confusion, anxiety and loss to arise. Try to remember that you cannot see into their personal circumstances and you do not know what is going on for them at the time of your contact. They may feel unable to respond due to ill health, relationship problems, financial issues, etc. They may need time to tell other people in their lives about you or about an experience in their life.
Although this may feel like a rejection, this is not a rejection of you as a person. Try to find a sense of peace knowing you have given the person an opportunity to get to know you, as well as an opportunity for reunion and healing. You have opened the door, and with time, the person may welcome forming a connection with you.
If you are feeling distressed or overwhelmed by emotions, please seek support from family, friends, professional counselling, your GP or other trusted sources of support for you.
Building a New Relationship
If your family member is open to having contact, it is important to take this stage of the process slowly. Like all relationships, it takes time to build a foundation and sense of trust with a family member you have been separated from.
Here is some advice from others who have searched and made contact:
- Be clear about your expectations and be prepared to adjust them as time progresses
- Respect the privacy of the person you want to contact
- Allow time to get to know the other person and accept who they are
- Take time to consider your future expectations and your role within your relative’s family
- Consider the effects on other members of your immediate family
Mutual respect, agreement and acceptance are essential in developing and maintaining an ongoing relationship.
Other Helpful Contacts
Red Cross
The Red Cross may be able to find a family member missing as a result of war, disaster or migration through family tracing.
Website https://www.redcross.org.au/migration/find-my-family-restoring-family-links/
Email tracing@redcross.org.au
Phone 1800 875 199
International Social Services Australia (ISS)
The International Family Tracing and Reunification Service provides family tracing to Australian residents who wish to locate an immediate family member, specifically a parent or sibling, who is believed to be overseas (fees apply).
Website https://www.iss.org.au/our-services/tracing-and-reunification
Email iss@iss.org.au
Phone 1300 657 843
Grandparents Victoria
Support and advice for grandparents on how to navigate family relationships.
Website https://grandparents.com.au/
Email admin@kinshipcarersvictoria.org
Phone (03) 9372 2422
Victoria Police
If you have concerns for the health, safety and wellbeing of a person please contact your local police station or the Victoria Police Assistance Line on 131 444. Details of Victorian Police Stations can be found here: https://www.police.vic.gov.au/police-station-location
In an emergency, always call Triple Zero (000)