By Cheyne Bull, General Psychologist & Adoptee
Family contact and reunion
The decision to try and make contact with people from your family of origin can be a long time in the making. As we discuss in other VANISH articles, people impacted by family separation can often be worried about the impact on their relationship with their adoptive family. There is also the possibility of family being hard to reach, not wanting contact or having passed away.
Searching: Intensity ups and downs
Searching for family of origin can take an incredible amount of focus, effort and resources. It can involve extended periods of waiting, moments of hopelessness, hope, and excitement. Nothing can happen for a long time and all of a sudden, a lot can happen.
Each of us going through family reunion is going to react in different ways. We might feel intense joy, paralysing fear, or somewhere in between. How we react, our coping styles, and the supports and pressures in our lives will all affect the speed at which we move next.
Need for speed
In response to initial contact, it can be quite common for people to want to move very quickly towards face-to-face contact or at least a video or phone call. For some of us, there can be an extreme feeling of urgency, of not wanting to wait a moment longer, of wanting to resolve our feelings of anxiety by getting together as soon as possible. We might disregard everything else in our lives to focus on getting to know this family member.
Freeze mode
For others, in the face of anxiety, rather than rushing into action to try and manage those feelings, a kind of paralysis can take over. While thoughts of what to do next might flood us, the ability to move towards a phone call or a meeting can feel like too much. Before contact, we exist in a world of possibilities that can feel safer than reality. We might be anxious about not feeling a connection or about the sadness that might come when we are face to face with what we have been denied.
There can be many other reasons that people move slowly too. For some, they need to consider that other people in their lives don’t know about their family of origin, or they may be dealing with all sorts of other pressures and responsibilities that make it hard to have the space to fully focus on family reunion.
Holding space for difference, pacing ourselves
While there is no right or wrong speed at which to move when going through reunion, it can be really helpful to slow down and take your time. This will give you and everyone else space to process emotions and access the right support.
It is important to try and understand that the people you are in contact with have the right to move at their own pace and will have their own reasons for doing so. How quickly someone responds or is ready to move to a face-to-face meeting is not a reflection of how important you are to them. Indeed, slowing things down can be a reflection of people trying their best to navigate reunion thoughtfully.
Our minds can tend to go towards the most negative explanation for slow contact—and this can be really challenging to deal with. Accessing support to manage these thoughts and practicing self-compassion as you navigate such a challenging time is vital—acknowledge your courage, your emotional needs and look after yourself deeply.
People who have gone through reunion (see resources below) will often reflect on how it tends to be a very bumpy ride. How quickly things move in the beginning isn’t necessarily a reflection of how positive the experience will be in the long term. Family reunion, with all the barriers and baggage attached, is most definitely a marathon and not a sprint.
Resources
VANISH: Self Search Mini Guides
VANISH: When a Family Member Doesn’t Want Contact
Adopt Perspective Podcast: Across Oceans, Through Time: Lisa Preston’s Reunion Revisited
Sydney Morning Herald: Heartlines review: The joy and angst of reconnecting with your birth mother
The Making of Me Podcast: The Ups and Downs of Reunion (YouTube)
Adoption Reunion Realities: Navigating Reunions Post Honeymoon Stage
Centre for Clinical Interventions: Building Self Compassion Workbook