Being contacted by a family member you may or may not know about

Finding out about a family connection used to happen mostly through paperwork: applying for records, registering with Adoption Information Services, or working with a service like VANISH to search for family of origin. Increasingly, it happens because someone took a DNA test. For many people, DNA results confirm what they already knew about their family and ethnicity. For others, they reveal a parent, sibling or relative they had no idea existed.

This article is for anyone who has just received unexpected contact from a family member. You might be an adoptee, mother or father, or you might be a sibling who never knew your parent had another child. You might be a cousin, aunt, uncle or other relative who has just learned that someone in your family has an adoption or out-of-home care experience you didn’t know about. Whoever you are, you are not alone and there is support available.

Common reactions, hopes and fears

Being contacted out of the blue can come as a shock. It often takes some time to process the news and what it means for you and your family in the long term.

Although we often say the DNA doesn’t lie, it’s not unusual to question whether the information being shared with you is correct. Some people feel distrustful and fear that they’re being scammed or that the family member reaching out wants something from them rather than a genuine relationship. Others may feel cautious yet curious and excited about the prospect of new family connections.

Some people feel awkwardness or a sense of betrayal about previously hidden information. For others, past behaviour or confusing family dynamics now feel they are falling into place.

The adoption or out-of-home care experience may also reveal unknown relationships or histories about a parent or relative that may be difficult to confront.

Things that can help

There’s no single way to feel when you’re contacted by a new relative unexpectedly. It’s normal to experience a mix of emotions, including confusion, uncertainty, disbelief, anger, sadness, or curiosity. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by these emotions, that’s normal and completely understandable.

From our experience at VANISH in working with people impacted by adoption and out-of-home care, here are some suggestions that might help in this moment:

Seek support and talk it through. Talk to a person you trust and feel comfortable with – a family member, friend, or a support worker at VANISH.
Be creative. You may find expressing what has happened, your feelings, and your hopes through writing, drawing, craft or another activity helps you to process your thoughts.
Consider counselling. Some people find it helpful to talk to a professional counsellor with expertise in working with people impacted by adoption and family separation. You may already have a trusted counsellor or you may want help finding one. Get in touch with VANISH to explore your counselling options.
Practise self-compassion. This situation is a significant disruption to your everyday life and may have triggered a variety of emotions within you. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself you are managing it as best you can. Acknowledge yourself for having the courage to seek support and explore the connection further.
Learn more about the history of adoption. Adoption was widespread in Australia from the 1950s to the 1990s. In fact, in 1972, one in ten births resulted in an adoption. Learning more about the historical context can help you understand the shame and secrecy that often surrounded these practices, and their enduring impacts. VANISH can recommend books, podcasts or films, and our library in North Melbourne has resources you can borrow.
Apply for adoption records. If you’re eligible under the relevant legislation, you may be able to apply for adoption information. VANISH can also provide advice on this.
Take a breath. It’s ok to pause and take some time. Everyone processes things differently and at a different pace, and VANISH is not here to judge you or put pressure on you.

Considering your next steps

People respond differently to receiving contact like this and there’s no right way to do it. Some people respond straight away while others might take months, and some people may not respond at all. It’s also common to respond initially and then pull back if you find you’re not quite ready to continue the connection. Give yourself the time you need to work out what feels right for you, and know that your response may also shift over time.

You can also contact VANISH to discuss your options going forward. This may include agreeing to contact with the relative (directly or through VANISH), declining contact, or passing on some specific information to them.

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